It just so happens I was in Amsterdam when the Gunners shamefully blew a 2-0 halftime lead. And I was about to leap from my balcony into a canal when I checked my BlackBerry one last time and saw the Tweet from The Spurs Guy, Bill Simmons: "Spurs rally back from 2 down for first win in Arsenal since '93! When is Hirshey posting his top-10 excuses for that massive choke job?"
The way I saw it, I had two choices:
1. Hurl myself into the icy waters below
2. Defend Arsenal's honor to the newly minted American Spurs Fans
Being a man (and a poor swimmer), I chose the second option. But I'm not so craven that I would simply take Simmons' bait and list my top 10 excuses for Saturday's soul-crushing, eye-gouging humiliation at the feet of our most despised rivals. In retrospect, though, I suppose I should have seen it coming for the following reasons:
1. I was on European soil. I'm not saying that I'm some sort of magical talisman, but here are the facts: Since 1981, the year doctors point to as the onset of my Gooner fever, I have watched a total of eight Arsenal games in a country other than the United States and England, and I have a perfect 0-8 record. (I actually tried to postpone the trip to Amsterdam because of the Tottenham game, but the friend I was traveling with is not a soccer fan and thought I was just being a big baby.)
2. Arsene Wenger is a big baby. I remember when my daughter was 2 years old and I was pushing her in a stroller through the park and suddenly, she pointed toward a pretzel vendor with great urgency. I dutifully bought her a pretzel, but apparently it had too much salt because after one bite, she threw it on the ground and started to cry. Substitute the pretzel for Wenger's water bottle that he hurled after Younes Kaboul outjumped Robin van Persie to head in the winning goal. Even I have to admit it was pretty hilarious that the water ended up splashing all over Wenger in the same sloppy manner that his tactics backfired on his team. And what exactly were his tactics? S'il vous plait? My guess is that at halftime he regarded Arsenal's 2-0 lead with his usual smug Gallic air and then encouraged his players to put on a tippy-tappy show for the home fans. Certainly, there didn't seem to be any adjustments made to combat the astute tactical change Harry Redknapp made after intermission, moving Gareth Bale from the flank where he was pretty much held in check by Bacary Sagna, to a more central position where he could better link up with Rafael Van der Vaart. It was the Dutchman's deft flick into Bale's flight path that allowed the Welsh wizard to score Tottenham's first goal.
3. Gareth Bale is the real deal -- and Van der Vaart ain't too shabby, either. I'm sorry, I still have a soupcon of pride left so I'm just not going to gush over a Spurs player. But let me say this. I wish Arsenal had him along with Van der Vaart. In the case of the latter, all it would have taken is for Wenger to have listened to Van Persie, who returned from the World Cup, imploring his manager to buy his fellow Dutchman. But Wenger demurred, believing that the stocky Van Der Vaart didn't have enough speed for Arsenal's jet-heeled midfield. All VDV did on Saturday was score one goal and make two others.
4. Phil Neville is no Nostradamus. "Arsenal seem more resilient now," the Everton captain told reporters after the Toffees' attempt to muscle the Gooners into submission ended in a 2-1 loss last weekend. "You always fancy yourself to rough them up. But we couldn't do it and that's where they improved."
Funny what a difference a week makes, Phil. Against Tottenham, we were about as badass as Kurt from Glee.
5. Arsenal has no in-your-face leader on the field. Can you imagine Tony Adams or Patrick Vieira allowing Arsenal to collapse like a Wenger soufflé without kicking the complacency out of their underperforming teammates? How ironic that the most forceful leader on the field Saturday was a former Arsenal skipper, William Gallas, who wore out his welcome after one too many hissy fits and hopped the bus up the road to Spurs where Saturday he was made their ceremonial captain for the game. It was a canny psychological gambit by Redknapp, and Gallas rewarded him by turning in an immense performance. And while I completely understand why some Arsenal fans consider Gallas' move to Tottenham Judas-like, what was with Samir Nasri not willing to shake his fellow Frenchman's hand before the game? Didn't these guys play together for club and country for the past two years? The French never cease to amaze with their petty grudges.
Gallas may have his flaws, but he's not afraid to impose his authority on his teammates whereas the last time Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas exhorted the Gunners to victory was when he announced he was not going to Barcelona.
Or at least not yet. Fabregas still shows flashes of his world-class self -- his perfectly weighted 30-yard chip to find Nasri for the first Arsenal goal was a signature piece of brilliance -- but he's not the galvanizing influence he's been in past seasons. I know he's still not fully recovered from his most recent injury, but how do you account for yesterday's egregious mental lapse? With Arsenal beginning to unravel and clinging to a 2-1 lead against Spurs, Fabregas lifted his arm in the defensive wall as if he suddenly needed to hail a taxi. He got away with a similar hand ball last season against Liverpool, but this time the referee pointed to the spot and Van Der Vaart buried the ensuing penalty kick to make it 2-2. (You can only imagine how the Dutch fans I was with loved that.)
On a recent English TV soccer show, Fabregas said that there were no loud, forceful leaders in the locker room because "there were no English players." It was meant as a joke, but as the Gunners found out Saturday, it had more than a dollop of truth.
So there, you have it, Spurs Guy -- my top five reasons for that massive choke job. I would have written 10, but in honor of my beloved Gunners, I gave up halfway.
David Hirshey has been covering soccer for more than 30 years and has written about the sport for The New York Times, Time, ESPN The Magazine and Deadspin. He is the co-author of "The ESPN World Cup Companion" and played himself (almost convincingly) in the acclaimed soccer documentary "Once in a Lifetime."
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